When I was smaller, I remember my mom saying, “If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that gets hit always hollers.” She wasn’t literally talking about throwing rocks at dogs, but I understand on a deeper level, now, what she was trying to say. The rock is a word, and the dogs are people. You can say one thing to a million different people, and the one person that’s offended by what you’ve said feels the need to defend who they are.
Have you ever noticed yourself in a conversation where someone says something, and it triggers, in you, the reaction to defend yourself? Or maybe it doesn’t make you want to defend yourself, but it does leave you with a sense of guilt or sadness? Even more, have you ever found yourself really questioning yourself because of something that came to you from a counterpart? That’s because what was said actually hit home and it’s a belief that you’re carrying about yourself that you don’t like or you refuse to accept. The funny part though, is that you’ve actually already accepted it, owned it, and haven’t acknowledged that it’s yours. On the surface, you’d like to pretend that it’s false but deep down, they’ve just confirmed a negative belief about yourself and you’re ready to fight to prove them wrong. You were triggered. A rock was thrown and you got hit.
Don’t confuse explaining with defending. Explaining is not fueled by anger or defensive techniques. It doesn’t bring with it the desperation for the person you’re talking to to understand where you’re coming from. It carries the opposite vibration– you are coming from a place of love and sincerity, not to prove them wrong, but to show them what your intentions actually are. You have no attachment to whether they accept and understand it or not. You’re just doing your part by clearing up a miscommunication.
Defending is almost ALWAYS fueled by a negative emotion. You know you’re defending when you feel it in all parts of your body. Your body is tense. Your voice is raised. Your brain feels like it’s about to explode because, for the love of GOD, you need them to understand what you’re trying to say! My advice is to calm down. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. The problem isn’t what this person has just said to you. In fact, the problem is the fact that you BELIEVE what this person has said to you.
ALL of my growth has come from these types of triggers. In order to heal yourself, you have to locate every single wound to mend. How does one fix what one doesn’t know is broken? The triggers point you in the right direction and the exact location of where your insecurities lie. I always know I have inner work to do when I find myself pissed off about something. Anger is always a tell-tale sign. Underneath all anger is pain, and wherever there is pain, there is a wound that needs to be healed. It involves diving into the depths of yourself, finding that untruth, the cause of that untruth, and nurturing it back into a state of wholeness. Your wound starts to grow a scab as it heals itself.
It doesn’t stop there though. You have to remember how you got that scab in the first place… and not do anything to knock the scab off only to have to re-heal yourself. The process isn’t ever over. Someone may come and bump up against that scab or wound cite, and you might feel a tinge of pain, but it’s up to you to decide if you’re going to let that scab come all the way off or if you’re going to protect yourself, and your wound, as it heals.
I had someone tell me that I am not open to what people say to me. That I say, a lot, “I don’t accept that.” My answer, and it always will be, is that you’re damn right. I DON’T accept anything from anyone else that is about me. I’ve done that already, and what happened what I had a bunch of wounds that needed healing. Because I believed every single word that was given to me by other UNHEALED people. At this point, I’m protecting my wounds. I won’t irritate my scabs. And I for DAMN SURE, won’t allow any new lacerations to penetrate my soul. Because no one will tend to me and my well being the way that I do. But why should they? They have their own healing to do.