There has been a role I’ve been playing my entire life that I see making a star studded appearance over and over again. It has limited my growth, self sufficiency, and self esteem. This role once provided me a place of comfort and convenience. I would shift into this façade during hard times as this role, ultimately, pacified my ego. As insane as it might seem, this role to me, was similar to that of an addiction– that thing that you run to that helps you to cope with the realities of life and assured you that all would be well. It was an escape mechanism. But instead of using this as a way to numb, as addiction does, I used it as a way to avoid. I’d avoid all accountability, responsibility, and self reflection. Through this role I’d decided to play, nothing was ever about me– it was always someone or something else. And I was always, in every single scenario, the victim.
The one thing I fear, more than anything, is rejection. The word “no” just does something to my soul. It’s a crushing defeat, for me, no matter what I’m being denied. I’ve always had a feeling that because I don’t ask for much, and since I always do what I can when asked, that I should always receive when I ask. Being who I am, and as hard as I love (which is extremely hard believe it or not), and as open as I can be, to be denied anything from someone or something that I’ve exposed myself to is the ultimate betrayal for me. To tell me no, and to deny me of something that I’ve asked of you, in my mind, means you’re against me.
While reading this, it’s easy to put a physical person with a name in place of the “you” in my last sentence, but it is deeper than that. As I look back on the variety of things I’ve spent energy and time and investing in that didn’t work in my favor, that didn’t immediately give back when I asked, I see that I’ve turned my back on them because I felt they “weren’t for me.” For me, turning the external thing into the enemy, the thing that is out to get me, helped me in the fact that I wouldn’t have to face another fear that I have– failure. Now, it’s not my fault that I couldn’t do it, it’s yours because you told me no.
Today I can see how that fear of rejection has to do with the greater fear of failure. Somewhere, somehow, I began waiting for a knight in shining armor to save me or a miracle to deliver me. For some absurd reason, I’ve been doling out the responsibility of my own happiness and well being to other people, and other things. Today, I realize why. I would much rather give you the responsibility and when you say no, make it your fault, than to take responsibility, and when I fail, admit that I’m not enough to succeed. Knowing this, I realize that my greatest fear is not being told no by you, but being failed by myself. The “poor, pitiful me” role is a much better role than the insufficient one. Victims always get sympathy and fuck ups get judgment right?
The victim role is a kushy one, if my ultimate goal is to be reliant upon something else. There is no outside source that will save me. Every single no I’ve received gave me another option to take the responsibility myself. Each bit of rejection that’s been thrown my way was an opportunity to dive in myself and see what I could accomplish for me. I’m choosing the face the fears of failure today. Everything is my hand. Nothing is happening to me and no one is out to get me. I’m choosing to dive in, head first, into every opportunity of success thrown my way.