Change, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

Coming out

About 90% of my friends and family keep up with me via Facebook and I’ve always been grateful for that. Social media helped with my social anxiety because I’ve never really been one for PEOPLE. I was able to CONNECT with people that didn’t require their physical body. But I’ve been working on that for the past couple years. I set an intention every year to meet someone new or experience something new and step outside my comfort zone. Facebook used to feel GOOD for me.

Here lately it hasn’t felt good. It’s hard to find the positive. I’m connecting with things and people in ways that I don’t FEEL right. I go through stages where I unfollow certain energies that don’t align with my spirit. I unfollowed celebrities whose lives were nothing like mine, political pages values didn’t align with mine, local news pages because I found from the comment section that hate wasn’t too far away, religious figures whose actions didn’t mirror their teachings, and etc.

I made a choice to stock my friends list with real people that I knew- close friends, high school friends, instant bar friends, funny coworkers, family members, and amazing people from special interest groups. I wanted the most positive influence in both physical reality and virtual reality.

But now this connection to people is starting to not feel good. PEOPLE are not in the right place. We are connecting in ways that hurt my spirit. We are connecting to share our experiece of racism. We are connecting to share our mourning. We are connecting to share our fear of Covid. We are connecting out concern for the people affected by disaster.

At this point I know too many people that have deleted their accounts because it is all too much for them. The pain, the anger, the fear, the suffering— it’s too much for some people’s mental state and I get it.

All of this that I’ve been trying to avoid in virtual reality is showing up in my physical reality. Black lives matter and all lives matter showed up on Pine St. My uncles name wound up behind a fucking hashtag. Both I and my children at some point throughout all of this found ourselves testing for COVID-19. We just dodged a major hurricane and waves are rolling off of Africa like paper out of a fax machine. The friend I experience the most and spend the best times with is moving to a different state.

So what do you do??? What do you do when all of the fear you’ve been hoping to escape shows up at your doorstep? How do you cope with all of the painful emotions you’ve been trying to avoid all presenting themselves at one time in the center of your heart? Who can handle all of that? Where can you channel that??

I would hope anyone that’s read this entire post seriously ask themselves that question. Because if it’s happening to me I can almost guarantee it can happen to you. What I ain’t trying to do though, is die from heartache. I choose to live from my heart space, the center of pure of love. I KNOW in my spirit that God has better and to live in fear of live is the equivalent of hell on earth.

GOD has a plan. And I know the higher purpose is greater than the emotional attachments I have to all of these things. I know in my SPIRIT that the purpose is greater than anything I could’ve imagined. I really BELIEVE that this loss that I’m experiencing is the CREATION of pure love and connection with the higher agenda.

And from that knowing, is where I choose to live my life moving forward. I don’t need Facebook as much for the connections I’ve been looking for. Maybe it’s my time to show up in this world and be the image I want to see.

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